Black
by theinfinitesadness
Summary: Kakashi realizes too late what he had..


**Black**

This is my 1st fanfic so please be nice…This is set 2 years after the 4th Hokage sealed the Kyuubi inside Naruto, so Kakashi is in his late teens.

**Rated M** so don't say I didn't warn you.

Please review!!!

A/N: cleaned up for some grammatical issues and put in a couple needed line breaks. Enjoy!

Kakashi numbly made his way home from another ANBU mission. The streets were dark and deserted as he walked, not paying attention to where he was going. He could still smell the blood on him; he always could, long after it had been washed away. He had stayed in the showers at ANBU headquarters long after everyone else had left, standing under the scalding hot water till his ghostly pale skin had turned bright red, till the water turned ice cold, trying just for one minute to not hear the screams and the desperate last gasps for breath, trying not to see the blood flying and falling like it was coming down the heavens like rain.

This had turned into Kakashi's routine every time he returned- blindly wandering through Konoha until his feet decided to stop walking. Sometimes he ended up at home. Sometimes he would show up at Rin's apartment, and without saying a word she would heal his injuries and let him sleep in her arms like a child so she could keep his nightmares away. More often, he would end up at the memorial stone, staring at the names until they became blurry and he couldn't read anymore. Thinking he saw people long gone out of the corner of his eye.

This time, the Copy Ninja went home. As he opened the door, he could smell her before he saw her- that familiar faint scent of roses and lilies. There was Rin, sitting on one of his tattered, threadbare chairs. She smiled as if she has known right when Kakashi would get back. He wondered how long she had been waiting for him. She must've been just as tired as he was, the dark circles under her eyes were apparent.

With a start Kakashi realized why she was there. He had lost track of the days while he was gone- today was the day that their Sensei died. Mentally, he kicked himself and silently apologized to the Yondaime. He didn't say anything as he shut the door and shrugged off his vest. Rin stood up and gently took his hand.

"Let's go sit outside," she suggested. Kakashi nodded, he couldn't argue with her, he never could. They sat up on the tile roof, staring at the night sky. For a long time, they were quiet. Then Rin glanced over at Kakashi almost shyly.

"I've missed you lately," she confessed. Kakashi felt a twinge of guilt- he'd been gone on so missions lately he hadn't even stopped to think about anything, much less spending any time with her. He was about to apologize when she cut him off.

"It's alright," she reassured him, but he could tell that it really wasn't. Rin turned to look up at the sky again, and she pointed.

"Look, Kakashi, that's my star." He looked up.

"That's the North Star," Kakashi replied, the first time he'd spoken to her all night.

"Not anymore. Now it's my star and whenever you look at it you can think of me." She turned again to look at him and blushed a little as she smiled the sweet way that only she could.

Kakashi smiled back at her and reached out to gently brush a finger along the purple stripe on her cheek. Rin didn't know how right she was. She was the way to guide him home. She was the direction, the pole, and he was the magnet. Helplessly drawn to her, no matter how much he denied it or fought it. Even if he didn't even realize it until this moment.

A sudden sharp breeze blew around them, and ruffled Rin's short dark hair around her face. She shivered a little and Kakashi remembered that it still gets cold outside this time of year.

"Why don't we go inside," he suggested softly. She agreed and they climbed back in through the window. Kakashi glanced around his tiny apartment and suddenly felt embarrassed about how it looked. Clothes, kunai, and scrolls lay scattered over the floor. His little plant was somehow still alive even though he couldn't remember the last time he watered it. Kicking things aside, he turned to Rin and took her small hands in his, trying to warm them up.

She looked at her hands cupped inside his, up at his inscrutable face, then reached up to pull aside Kakashi's hitae-ite so she could look into both of his eyes, his black right eye and Obito's Sharingan.

Kakashi's breath suddenly caught in his chest and he was afraid to move as Rin traced her thumb slowly down his scar, and pulled down his mask. Without even thinking, he leaned down and their lips met. Rin almost gasped because it was like an electric current running through the both of them. Her arms tightened around his neck and the next thing she knew, Kakashi pushed her up against the wall. He kissed her fiercely, like he might never get the chance again. Their teeth hit, and then his tongue was in her mouth and hers was in his. Rin ran her hands through Kakashi's still wet hair and pressed herself tighter against him. Kakashi wondered briefly why the hell he didn't do this a long time ago, it felt so right he thought that he might not be able to ever let her go again. His lips nibbled at her earlobe, then wandered down her neck as his long fingers started to trace down her back, along her firm stomach, up her thin silk shirt.

They fell into the small bed together, hands fumbling at clothing. Rin took off Kakashi's shirt, running her fingers along his scars, kissing his chest right over his heart. He looked down into her eyes glassed over with desire, and he needed her so badly, as if he were drowning and she was oxygen. He wanted her to be his, to be a part of him, to possess her soul.

Kakashi ran his hands all over her, trying to memorize her by touch- across her shoulders, her back, cupping her breasts, stopping between her thighs. Rin moaned as his genius fingers found just the right spot. She gasped and had to bite her lip to keep quiet when his mouth followed. As she arched up in release, Kakashi slid inside her and for a moment it felt like his heart stopped. She was so hot and wet and her fingernails dug in his back hard enough to draw blood. He wished that he could freeze time and just stay in this moment, make it last forever. There was no him or her, just them together, and Kakashi could barely even remember his name, he just knew that he was there and for a few brief moments there was nothing else in the world, no pain, no tears. Her legs wrapped around his waist, his arms encircled her. Rin kept whispering Kakashi's name like a mantra as their rhythm increased, they were floating together, falling together. It seemed like the world imploded as he buried his face against Rin's neck as they climaxed together.

Kakashi rolled his lanky frame off Rin's but their arms and legs were so entangled that she rolled with him. They lay on their sides, still panting, noses touching, staring into each other's eyes. Rin's arm was underneath Kakashi's head while her other hand traced along the lines of the face that nobody ever sees. She ran her thumb along his lips so he kissed it as he brushed her hair out of her face. He pulled the blanket up over them so she didn't get cold, even though he had enough warmth for the both of them.

They lay like that for a long time, both exhausted but not willing to go to sleep, because then this perfect moment would be gone. Rin bit her lip for a second, like she was unsure about something, then took a deep breath.

"Kakashi, I need to tell you something…I don't care anymore, I want you to know… I love you." She needed to say it, even though she was afraid how he would react. He could leave then and she would understand, but he would take a piece of her soul with him, and she would never get that back.

Kakashi took a breath to speak but no words would come out. How could she love him? He was a faceless ANBU, Konoha's most potent killing machine. He had done things that came back to haunt him in his dreams every night. Ghosts followed him everywhere. All he had ever known was pain and loss; did he even know what love was?

Rin seemed to know exactly what he was thinking, she always seemed to, and she sighed a little, then smiled.

"It's ok, you don't have to say anything." Kakashi wanted to say something, but he didn't know what, so he smiled back at her sleepily and thought that this was the closest thing to happiness he had felt in his entire life.

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Things were going bad, and they were going bad fast. Like they always say, S-rank stands for suicide, and it never seemed truer than this night. Explosive tags went off, shuriken flew, katanas clashed and scraped, the wet sound of disembowelment was offset by the screams. The cacophony of hell.

Kakashi spun in the mud, his left heel planting in the enemy's chest, ribs crunching, and the sound made him smile. Without looking, he spun again, katana slicing the neck of the ninja vainly trying to sneak up on him, now falling to the ground, a geyser of blood spurting between his fingers. _You'll have to do better than that, _Kakashi thought to himself. He leapt up into the treetops to get a better look around.

_Then again, I should give credit where credit's due, _he mused. These damn ninja were _fast_. If it weren't for the Sharingan, he would've been one of the nameless facedown in the mud by now. Kakashi silently cursed as sweat ran down the inside of his ANBU mask into his eyes. He didn't know where any of his teammates were, or even what the hell was going on. He cursed again, where the hell was Rin? She had been so dead set on coming, no matter how hard he tried to convince her otherwise. She had just gotten that stubborn look on her face and stated that she was going, she was needed, and he shouldn't be showing her any preferential treatment. And then she hadn't spoken to him again.

A blur appeared in front of Kakashi, someone had found his hiding place. Automatically, his katana came up and made that sick, sweet sound as the point drove up underneath the ninja's breastbone, through his heart, and out his back. As the enemy gasped his head tilted so that the moonlight shone off his face. He was so young, and looked so much like Obito that Kakashi wanted to vomit. The kid smiled then, blood bubbling out of his mouth, and Kakashi saw what was hidden in his vest.

_Oh shit-_

Kakashi leapt back, but it was too late, the explosive went off and he went with it. The fireball blasted him facedown into a puddle, and he only woke up when he started to choke on the brackish water. He looked around, but nothing made sense, even with the Sharingan he couldn't see. The noise of the battle blended into a demon's shriek, everything was tinted red. He knew he was burned but couldn't feel anything, he couldn't even tell if he could still use his legs. He managed to roll onto his side and vaguely realized that it wasn't just water he was laying in, it was blood and a lot of it, and shouldn't his intestines be on the inside and not peeking out of the gaping black hole in his stomach?

Kakashi peeled off his ANBU mask, it was suffocating him, even though he was cold now, very cold, shivering and spraying around droplets of bloody water. He knew he was a dead man and that was ok, what else was being ANBU than being a special type of suicidal freak? He only hoped that his sins were not so great that he might get to see Obito and Sensei again. He could almost see them, reaching out to him…

Suddenly he realized that someone was calling his name, propping his head up. Kakashi opened his eyes.

"Rin-"he rasped, painfully coughing up frothy blood.

"Shit, Kakashi! Don't talk, don't talk," she commanded, moving her hands in a familiar medical jutsu. He tried again to catch her hands, tell her it was ok to let him die, but he was too weak. She started to cry then, her tears mixing with the blood running down her face, falling onto Kakashi's cheek.

"You can't die yet, not yet," like she would will him back to life just by her words. He tried to speak again.

"Rin, I-" Dammit, he couldn't breathe, he just wanted once, just once, to tell her-

Then Rin smiled, and the world started to spin, snatching away the moon and stars and her smile, leaving only black.

_I love you-_

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Kakashi woke up in the Konoha hospital. His arms were full of IVs, and he was bandaged so tightly everywhere he didn't think he could move. He knew he was on painkillers, but not enough, it hurt so much to breathe it felt like there was still shrapnel stuck inside him. Slowly he looked over to his left. The Third Hokage stood there, silently, no expression on his face.

"Sondaime-sama…" The Hokage held up his hand.

"Kakashi, I want to commend you and your team. Despite how things ended up, the mission was accomplished. But…"

Kakashi knew what was coming, he knew it deep down in his heart.

"Rin didn't survive. Her funeral was three days ago. And there's something else I think you deserve to know…" His face now showed only sorrow and compassion.

"Rin was pregnant. The test results didn't come back until after the team left."

Once again, the world felt like it was spinning. Kakashi managed to quietly thank the Hokage as he left. As soon as the door shut, he started to pull out the IVs and slowly got out of bed.

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It was raining, but Kakashi didn't care. The whole village could flood and he wouldn't have noticed. The cracks of lightning were bright enough to light up the new name on the memorial stone, the name of one of Konoha's best medic-ninjas, the quiet, petite girl that saved hundreds of lives but in the end couldn't save her own.

Kakashi stared at the carvings until his legs gave out, so then he stared at them kneeling in the wet grass. By all rights, he shouldn't be out here, he had lost too much blood. He gripped the sharp edges of the stone, let them dig painfully into his palms.

Why hadn't she said anything? Why hadn't she listened to him? He would've done anything for her, if she had just asked. He had had a bad feeling about this mission, and had tried so hard to talk her out of going. He looked at himself, clothes dripping, bandages washing off in the downpour. No wonder Rin hadn't told him. She had probably thought that the news would've shattered whatever sanity he had left.

Kakashi bowed his head, ignoring the sharp pain in his stomach. What was he now? A son to a dead father, student to a dead Sensei, unworthy teammate to those that depended on him, father to a dead child.

"Why?" he whispered. It wasn't a question to anyone but the gods themselves. Why couldn't he have had just one good thing on his life? Why couldn't he have protected Obito? Why couldn't he have given Rin the love she deserved, the life she deserved? All the death surrounding him had stained and tattooed everything in his life, everything that he touched, black as night, black as the ANBU tattoo on his arm.

The lightning flashed, and thunder boomed above Kakashi. For a split second, he saw a vision-him and Rin sitting together in the sun, laughing and talking as she held their baby that had his hair and her eyes. Whatever self control he had left snapped.

"WHY?!" Kakashi screamed out into the raging skies. The bitter tears finally started to fall, and it wasn't just the Sharingan crying, it was his own dark eye too. He cried for everyone that he had lost, everything that he had destroyed. Kakashi looked up at the sky, wanting desperately to see the stars. But the angry rain clouds covered them all, no matter how hard he looked.

End.


End file.
